Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
