there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
