My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
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