I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
