I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
