I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize