I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
