I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I need help removing her.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
