this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
