I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
