for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
