you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Randomize
