I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
