I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
