Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Come share oat with me in your robe
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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