I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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