he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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