ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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