Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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