I have demons in me.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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