Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize
