whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize
