apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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