I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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