piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
