I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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