last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
