we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
