Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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