I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
