I hate your face
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
