On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
