Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
