I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I don't think brook has ever known best
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
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