did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
