i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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