woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize