I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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