She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Pants are for mortals
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Randomize
