if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
My vagina just clenched in fear
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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