I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
