it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
