I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
