im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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