I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
