a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
