OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
