she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I will pee on everything he values.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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