Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
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