Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
This baby is an asshole
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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