The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
