I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Operation Purity has been aborted
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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