I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Two words: blizzard sex
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
