Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
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