It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
