so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Non-Jews are for practice
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I have tasted many bathrooms
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
