She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
