im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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