I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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