Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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