Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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