My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
