I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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