I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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