I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I don't deserve a penis
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
